*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have so many questions.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Holy shit he’s back
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?