Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them