Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.