Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…