A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Cats (2019)
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie