I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.