Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.