No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.