If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
consequences, the bane of my existence
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.