This is a whole mood;
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.