Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
You Might Also Like
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’