of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.