Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.