I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.