My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“What?”
– Jude
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
#Caturday
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I feel seen.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy