So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say