Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*