*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.