Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I don’t get marriage
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL