my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth