Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.