Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
You Might Also Like
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Not my job 😂
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I enjoy a good short stor
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
😅😅😅