It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
😂💯
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Can’t stop laughing
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row