Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression