This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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Oh yeah that’s it
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Europe. Made in Germany.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died