Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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reminder
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?