ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
#MeanwhileInCanada
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
🤔😂😂
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.