Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
some Old Testament wisdom
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
The news
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there