coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
when someone compliments me
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.