Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I wish I could veto my bills.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now