I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.