McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!