I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You Might Also Like
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Yes, but it was never about money
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.