Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
every college guy’s fridge
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.