I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.