wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Try and stop me.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
😍😂🥰😂😍