cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes