I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale