Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Every work meeting this week
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.