When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”