I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?