When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn