date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?