the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.