Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Battery falling down a hole
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!