i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”