LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.