Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Growing up was a huge mistake
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
This will never not be funny to me.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.