My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive