I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
You Might Also Like
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced